1 - Sometimes I Feele so trapp’d by iambic pentameter... Does that make me a Freake?
2 - I haue been Knowne to cry at Bear-baiting.
3 - I am not uery ticklish. I am Not. So prithee, do not euen try. Waste. Of. Time.
4 - I cannot keep Lice, and know not why.
5 - Sometimes I thinke plays are all Talke, Talke Talke, and wish for a cart-chase scene. I tried one in The Merry Wives, but it looked like Shitte, so I cut it. The men playing the horses were so Pissed at me.
6 - I once threw vp on a man's head, from a high Windowe. I was so fvcking Sicke that Daye.
7 - I hate to wear a Ruff, for I haue such a pleasing Necke.
8 - As a player, I am painful-slow to learn my part. Once whilst playing Edward I, I used the prompter so ouermuch that a groundling yell’d ~Stop interrupting, Will! And it was my Dadde. (Kydding!)
9 - Sometimes when I am Stvck for a rhyme, I new-mint a Worde because I jvst want to get the Damned script ovt the fvcking doore.
10 - I play the Flute yet poorly, but I can make any crumhorn beg for Mercy.
11 - When I am happy I call Anne my Kicky-wicky. When I am cross I call her “Olde Fun Killer Hag-Ass.”
12 - I keepe my Stashe hidden in our seconde best bedde. Shhh. Don’t tell the Fyve-Oh.
13 - The people that loue my Wordes the best are always the most disappointed vpon meeting me. Is thisse List ouer yet?
14 - On the topic of dating, my daughter Susanna loues to remind me: ~Jvliet was only thirteen! And I remind her that i) she was Italian, an impulsive race ii), she was actually played by a middle-aged Eunuch named Ned, and iii) she died. That always shvts her right vp.
15 - I deteste it when the Low-Comedians improuise the scenes I writ them… becavse they always make them so mvch fvnnier.
16 - I haue, on occasion, thovght abovt hiring a Boy to fixe my Latin.
17 - When I was sixe, my Goode-Friend Charles brovght to Schoole a wood-cut of his mother, qvite naked. After that we called him Charles Nudie-Mummy, whiche did make him Crye.
18 - I take my eggs ouer-medium. If I get them O’er-Easily, I tell my Porter, ~You may thinke this is what I ordered, but it’s snot. I thinke that one is a real Slap-A-Th’Knee.
19 - I work ovt my calues thrice weekly, usvally three pyramid sets of Calf-Rises whilst holding a flagon of Meade. I knowe I should stretch afterwards, but it Bores me so I do it not.
20 - As a boy in my Bed, I would shriek i’the night that Witches wovld come to eat me. My Mother (bless her) wovld smooth my Hair and whispr ~ Be not afear’d, the Witches onlie eat the Jews.
21 - Whitsuntide has become so commercial.
22 Nobody euer forgets where they were the moment they heard that Thomas Kyd died. I was shopping for codpieces in West Cheape. I came ovt of the Change-room and the proprietress was i’tears. I said ~What is it, now?~Kyd is dead. There was a melancholy qviet, and then she said ~And that Piece is a mite too small on ye.
23 - Euery time we do the Taming of the Shrew, some pvnter wants his Money backe, because we don’t actually show a shrew getting tamed.
24 - I do not vnderstand all the Fvss over Currants. Sure, they are both sweet and Small, but must they bee added to EUERY FVCKING MEAL these days? Yestermonth, found I currants in a Tarte of Spinnedge. I meane come on, People. Seriovsly.
25 - When I am feeling Melancholic, I console myselfe with the Knowledge that, aboue all else, I will be remembered for my Musick.